


Angel

by SesameSeed



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Horror, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, that tag isn't accurate but i'll explain in the notes, well horror elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-04
Updated: 2019-10-04
Packaged: 2020-11-23 11:10:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20891156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SesameSeed/pseuds/SesameSeed
Summary: Everybody, try laughing. Then whatever scares you will go away!





	Angel

**Author's Note:**

> This would make more sense as a Halloween fic BUT I just couldn't wait to post it so consider it an Angel Day gift!!
> 
> About the ED tag: no one in the fic has an ED BUT there are descriptions very similar to ED descriptions so please stay safe kiddos.
> 
> Without further ado, enjoy!!

Joshua would usually sigh in contented relief the second he reached the door of his apartment.

He loved his work at the pharmacy, he truly did, but there were days when work piled up and he couldn’t catch a breath. On days like those, home never seemed as warm or as comforting a place.

Today was one of those days, yet he didn’t let out his usual contented sigh. Instead, he frowned at the door, his head cocking to the side as his eyebrows knitted together.

“What’s this?” he asked, as though the paper stuck to the door would introduce itself.

“Welcome home Shua!” called Seungcheol from the kitchen table. He’d been doing encryption work for a client for the past couple of days, the deadline creeping up faster than he’d like.

“Hey Cheol,” muttered Joshua, closing the door with his foot, his eyes still glued to the paper in his hands. “Are Jeonghan and Jihoon home?”

“Yeah,” frowned Seungcheol, “Why, is anything wrong?”

“No, no. Don’t worry baby,” replied Joshua softly before poking his head through to the short hallway that led to the bedrooms. “Hannie! Jihoonie! C’mere please!”

As he waited for Jeonghan and Jihoon to come into the living room, Joshua walked to Seungcheol, tenderly kissing the crown of his head.

“I know you have a deadline coming up but save your work baby. There’s something we all need to talk about. It won’t take too long, I promise.”

Seungcheol frowned, biting his lip anxiously.

“Shua are you sure everything’s okay?”

Joshua smiled and pulled Seungcheol’s bottom lip out from between his teeth. Leaning down, he placed a small peck there, making Seungcheol hum contentedly.

“Yes my love, everything’s okay. Just come with me please.”

By the time he led Seungcheol by the hand to the living room, Jeonghan and Jihoon were already sitting on the sofa, looking at Joshua with inquisitive gazes.

“What’s up hyung?” asked Jihoon.

Joshua handed the paper to Jeonghan without explaining what it was.

“I found it stuck to the door,” said Joshua as the three huddled around the paper.

“_One umbrakinetic from each household _must_ present themselves for a routine medical examination,_” muttered Jeonghan as he read through the sheet. “Why?”

“It says for census purposes…” mumbled Jihoon, biting at the skin of his thumb.

“And what does that mean?”

“It doesn’t matter,” said Seungcheol, leaning back against the sofa cushions. “They want one of us to go. And judging by the way they phrased everything, it doesn’t sound like we have the choice of saying no.”

A heavy silence fell upon the room as the unspoken question filled the air.

Who would be the one to go?

They were all stubbornly self-sacrificial, and not one of them would easily let the other go through something so unknown, something that had the potential of being so dangerous.

The government claimed they were fine with umbrakinetics, that they considered them equal to any other citizen.

Any umbrakinetic knew that was a blatant lie.

“I’ll go,” said Jeonghan with a tone of finality.

“Excuse me?”

“What?”

Joshua and Seungcheol spoke at the same time, the unconvinced looks on their faces identical. But Jeonghan didn’t so much as twitch an eyebrow, placing the paper on the coffee table and pulling out his phone to note down the time and date he needed to report to a medical lab.

“Shua you work every day of the week. You only get two days to rest. You’re not wasting one of them on this,” he explained. “And Seungcheol, you need to meet a client that day, remember?”

“I’ll go,” offered Jihoon with a nonchalant shrug of the shoulders.

“NO!” the other three yelled, the sudden explosion of sound making Jihoon jump slightly in his seat.

Yes, Jihoon was a fully-grown adult with complete capability of managing himself and anyone else. But at home, they loved to spoil him, to return the feeling of care, protection, and security he provided tirelessly without expectations of reciprocity.

“Jihoon you are _definitely_ not going,” said Seungcheol.

“Why not?” mumbled Jihoon. “I can take care of myself.”

“We know you can angel,” crooned Jeonghan, kissing Jihoon on the temple, “It’s just that we don’t know what they want to do, and we don’t wanna send you into something blind.”

“Hannie, I know medical procedures. If I go, at least I’ll be able to say something if anything they do doesn’t make sense,” said Joshua, bouncing his leg up and down.

“Shua, sweetheart, you need a break. And besides, do you _really_ want to spend the rest of the day trying to change my mind?”

Joshua sighed, his shoulders slumping in defeat.

“Cheol I could _really_ use some backup here.”

“Sorry sweetheart,” chuckled Seungcheol. “Anyway, you all know that _I _would be going if I didn’t have a client to meet.”

“No, you wouldn’t be but whatever you say, my love,” muttered Jeonghan, before clearing his throat and speaking louder. “Okay, so 1 pm on Saturday. It should only take like, an hour? Right Shua?”

“Yeah,” agreed Joshua, walking over to sit on the coffee table in front of Jeonghan. “An hour and a half at most if they _really_ wanna drag it out but listen. Anything you’re not comfortable with, you refuse. I don’t care what they say. It’s your right to opt-out at any time. And I need you to tell me _everything_ they do when you get back, okay?”

Jeonghan leaned forward, kissing Joshua until the tension holding his shoulders up dissipated.

“I promise I’ll be safe baby. And when I come back, you’ll get a minute by minute report of everything that happened. Now stop worrying so much about it.”

“He’ll be okay Shua,” soothed Seungcheol, frowning at how anxious Joshua seemed.

“Honestly, he’ll probably give _them_ more trouble than they give him, hyung. He’ll be more than fine.”

“Hey!” whined Jeonghan, turning to Jihoon with a pout.

“It’s true,” shrugged Jihoon.

As Jeonghan’s fingers attacked Jihoon’s sides - the light kisses he planted on the bottom of his jaw making Jihoon squirm and giggle - and as Seungcheol held onto Jihoon’s shoulders to stop him falling off the couch, Joshua couldn’t help but smile.

He told himself over and over again that the anxious pit he felt in his stomach was nothing, that it was just exhaustion catching up to him.

He told himself that Jeonghan would be safe.

That they’d all be safe.

☾

Joshua all but jumped on Jeonghan the second he walked back through the door on Saturday afternoon.

“Hey love,” greeted Jeonghan with a smirk, tenderly kissing Joshua as he cradled the back of his head with his hand. “What’d you do while I was gone?”

Joshua could have lied. Easily. He could have said that he spent some time reading, that he took a nap, that he watched any programme on TV that seemed even remotely interesting.

He could have said all that without even breaking a sweat.

But Jeonghan knew him far, far better than that. He would see straight through the lie as though he himself had seen Joshua’s endless, anxious pacing.

So, he said nothing, feeling his cheeks grow hot and flush pink.

Thankfully, Jeonghan spared him. All he did was give him another feather-light kiss before pulling him towards the living room.

“C’mon baby. Let me tell you what happened so your precious heart can finally rest, okay?”

Jeonghan hadn’t lied when he said that he’d give Joshua a minute by minute report.

He explained the physical exam with a gentle tone - how the stethoscope felt cold on his skin, how the doctor tapped just a little too hard on his kneecaps, how they had to measure his height and weight over and over again.

He explained how the x-ray tingled a little and looked on fondly at Joshua as he explained how that’s just charged air particles - nothing dangerous.

He explained how the blood test stung a little, but it was nothing he couldn’t handle.

Joshua nodded, hanging on to every single word Jeonghan said.

Everything seemed routine, completely normal.

Until Jeonghan mentioned the shot.

“What?” asked Joshua, sitting up straight as an arrow.

Routine medical examinations didn’t involve shots. Not unless a patient was severely behind on their vaccinations and Joshua was _certain_ they hadn’t missed a single one.

But it didn’t even seem like they checked Jeonghan’s vaccination records, and that made the anxious pit in Joshua’s stomach churn harder than ever before.

“Shua,” sighed Jeonghan, taking Joshua’s hands in his own, “It was just for the flu, okay? And it was only a booster anyway so please, _please_ don’t worry about this.”

“You should’ve called me first though!” complained Joshua. “It’s just not proper procedure for them to give you a shot before checking your records!”

“They told us to put our phones in a box Shua. I couldn’t have called you no matter how much I wanted to.”

“I just... I don’t like this.”

“Baby, look at me,” started Jeonghan, tilting Joshua’s chin up with his fingers. “All it was, was a booster shot. I’m okay, see? You don’t have to worry about me.”

The look of anxiety on Joshua’s face didn’t subside, not in the slightest. His brows knitted tight together, his mouth set in a hard line, his leg bouncing up and down without rest - worry seemed to be consuming his entire being.

“C’mere sweetheart, come to Hannie.”

Jeonghan cradled Joshua in his arms, stroking up and down his back and layering kiss upon kiss onto his neck and shoulders.

“I’m okay, I promise, my love. It’s over and it’s done with and you don’t have to worry about it anymore, okay?”

“Okay,” replied Joshua, his voice soft and quiet.

“Hoonie’s here at home, right?” whispered Jeonghan, mumbling against the skin of Joshua’s shoulder.

“Yeah, he’s still working on lyrics.”

“I’ll make dinner tonight, alright? Cheollie will be home soon but until then, how ‘bout you go take a nap while Hoonie continues working. I know you find it relaxing to watch him work on his music. How’s that sound sweetheart?”

Joshua hummed, grinning into Jeonghan’s neck.

The thought of a warm bed, drifting off as he listened to Jihoon’s soft singing and gentle mumbling - it did sound nice.

“Okay, I’ll do that,” he said quietly, pushing away from Jeonghan and giving him a soft smile. “To be honest, I’m really tired.”

“Get your rest baby. And I’m serious, okay?

I’m fine.”

In a couple of days, Joshua completely forgot everything about the shot, reassured by the fact that Jeonghan really seemed as healthy as ever.

Everything seemed completely fine…

Until it wasn’t anymore.

☾

With every passing day, Jihoon’s worry did nothing but thicken in the pits of his stomach.

Bags formed under Jeonghan’s eyes, getting darker every single day. He was nothing short of exhausted from the second he woke up to the second his head hit the pillow at night. But even if he slept for infinity, the exhaustion remained.

He grew weaker, having to hold onto something far too many times a day as his head spun and black spots danced in his vision.

And though their apartment was always warm, he was always freezing, the cold feeling as though it emanated from his bones.

Jeonghan wasn’t eating. Not because he didn’t want to, but because his appetite had all but vanished into thin air.

He loved food, and he loved eating with his boyfriends even more. But instead of eating happily at meals, he would eat only a couple of bites before sitting back and pushing the food around on his plate before piling it onto someone else’s, unable to finish it.

The change came so suddenly that it took them by surprise. They hoped - for the first couple of days - that it was only temporary, that Jeonghan would go back to eating well before the knew it. But instead of getting better, he got worse, skipping meals altogether.

He claimed that he truly wasn’t hungry, promising over and over again that he would eat when he was hungry.

But he never seemed to get hungry.

One afternoon, while Joshua was busy at work, Seungcheol busy in the study, Jihoon watched Jeonghan walk into the kitchen and stare at an apple. Jihoon knew what he was doing, he was contemplating whether he could eat it or not, and he _hoped_ with every fibre of his being that he’d pick it up and bite into it.

But he just turned back around and walked out of the kitchen with a defeated sigh.

That’s when the _need_ to say something all but overwhelmed Jihoon, making him push himself off the couch to stand in front of Jeonghan, stopping him in his tracks.

“Hannie-hyung…” he started. His tone was careful, almost too quiet for Jeonghan to hear.

“Yes?” asked Jeonghan, both his body and voice tense and tight.

“You don’t have to tell me what’s happening just… please, _please_ eat dinner with us today? We miss you and we’re worried and - “

“_JIHOON!”_

The shout made Jihoon flinch, his shoulders jumping up towards his ears. Almost as though his body took over as his mind was frozen in shock, he stepped back, eyes wide and full to the brim with fright.

The way Jeonghan was looking at him, the way his stare made him feel like a small, irritating bug, it almost made him nauseous.

“Just… Just leave me alone okay.”

Having heard Jeonghan’s shout, Seungcheol came out from the study just in time to see Jeonghan storm past him, their shoulders knocking together.

He didn’t have the faintest idea of what happened, only that Jeonghan was acting stranger than ever.

Even when he was at his angriest, Jeonghan _never_ acted like that. He never lashed out and just left without trying to make things right.

_Especially_ never to Jihoon.

Something wasn’t right, but Seungcheol couldn’t focus on that right now.

Jihoon was standing there, his body frozen in fear and shock, and Seungcheol’s protective instincts kicked in.

Seungcheol needed to make sure he was okay, but before he could say anything, Jihoon looked up at him, his eyes glossy with unshed tears.

“Hyung… Did I do something wrong?”

Seungcheol couldn’t stop himself from taking Jihoon’s face in his hands, and pressing soft kisses on both his cheeks, right below where the tears were threatening to fall. He stroked the younger’s cheeks with his thumbs and offered him a smile.

It was a forced smile, but Seungcheol hoped it would be enough to console Jihoon.

“No angel, of course you didn’t,” Seungcheol said, his voice soft and gentle. “Let’s give Hannie some time to cool off, and when Shua comes home, we’ll both talk to him and figure out what’s been happening, okay? But I promise you, he still loves you so, so much. You’re always gonna be his angel.”

Jihoon nodded, the pad of his thumb already at his mouth as his teeth nibbled at it. With a small smile, Seungcheol pulled his hand away, kissing the knuckles before he tutted playfully at Jihoon.

“There’s an extra chair in the study. You can sit with me for a little while until Shua gets home,” offered Seungcheol.

Jihoon smiled, blinking away the tears in his eyes as he nodded.

“Yeah, that’d be nice.”

That night, Jeonghan didn’t join them for dinner. He locked himself in one of the two bedrooms, and when Joshua and Seungcheol tried to talk to him, to at least coax him out, he said the same thing he said to Jihoon.

“Just leave me alone.”

☾

“Guys… When was the last time Jeonghan slept?”

Joshua’s concern was in its place.

Jeonghan’s lack of appetite no longer remained the only worrying change that had happened, Jeonghan also stopped sleeping.

Joshua lost track of the number of times he woke up to find Jeonghan sitting at the kitchen table or standing by the window, staring at nothing as shadows danced around his feet and hands. And when Joshua would wake him out of his daze, the shadows would recede back towards the walls and floor as Jeonghan curtly explained that he couldn’t go back to sleep anyway.

That was a lie. He’d never slept in the first place.

His refusal to try to sleep became like his refusal to try and eat, and after what happened with Jihoon, they were all too hesitant to push him too far.

Joshua took time off work, Seungcheol pushed his clients’ deadlines as far as they were willing.

Jeonghan was now their biggest priority.

“At this point, I can’t remember,” answered Seungcheol with a sigh. He stood up, stretching his arms above his head. “I’m gonna talk to him.”

Jihoon’s eyes widened. His entire body took on a tense, uncomfortable form as he seemed to shrink in on himself.

“Hyung…” he started, a tremble laced in his voice.

“Hoonie, we’re trying to help him, okay?” crooned Seungcheol, already halfway across the living room. “It’ll be okay.”

Jihoon just sat back, letting Joshua tangle his fingers in his hair as his stomach acid churned uncomfortably.

He didn’t like this. He didn’t like any of it.

Seungcheol was surprised to find that the door to the bedroom Jeonghan had been locking himself in was ajar for the first time all day.

He saw Jeonghan’s figure sitting on the bed in the dark, his back towards the door. Seungcheol rapped his knuckles on the door frame,

and Jeonghan didn’t so much as stir.

“Hannie?” called Seungcheol in a soft voice.

The normally bright, warm room felt cold and icy as a blizzard. It was so eerie that Seungcheol couldn’t help feeling scared.

His heart was racing.

Every nerve in his body told him to leave, to turn right around.

But his want to help his boyfriend was stronger than any of that.

So despite all that, he stood his ground.

“Hannie sweetheart, please,” he continued. “You’ve been sitting here alone for so long. We miss you. We just wanna help you but we can’t do that if you don’t tell us what’s wrong. Please, _please_ Hannie, we love you so much and we ca-”

A hiss of pain escaped Seungcheol’s lips as he gripped his arm. A slow, steady stream of thick, red liquid had already started spreading across the sleeve of his t-shirt.

Confusion scattered Seungcheol’s thoughts only for a few moments, because when he looked up, he came face to face with a blade made entirely out of shadows.

“Hannie…” he whispered, his voice choked by a combination of welling tears and pure fear.

Jeonghan turned around slowly, and Seungcheol immediately wished he stayed with his back towards him. He prayed what he was seeing before him was only a hallucination, that the slice in his arm was playing tricks on his mind.

No matter how many times he blinked, no matter how hard he wished he would wake up, nothing changed.

The nightmare in front of him didn’t go away.

Jeonghan’s eyes were blank, flat, empty. He looked at Seungcheol as though he were nothing, as though he were nothing but a speck of dust floating in the air.

No wonder the room was so dark.

Shadows surrounded Jeonghan like a cocoon, weaving their way around the locks of his hair and in between his fingers.

Smoke-like shadowy tendrils poured out of Jeonghan’s mouth, billowing up to join the ever-growing cloud that was slowly engulfing the entire room.

“Just leave.”

The emotionlessness in Jeonghan’s voice made every hair on Seungcheol’s body stand on end. It didn’t even sound like his voice: it was too robotic, too empty, too cold - everything Jeonghan wasn’t.

Whatever had been wrong with Jeonghan, it got worse.

Infinitely worse.

Before Seungcheol could react, before he could even think of saying anything, the shadowy blade started moving closer.

His feet started stumbling backwards before his brain even registered the movement. It was as though he were in a daze, the sight of Jeonghan so blank amongst a sea of shadows filling every corner of his mind.

The sound of the door slamming shut shocked him awake. Pain tried to fight its way into Seungcheol’s conscious mind, his arm stinging as a few droplets of blood managed to find their way past his tightly clamped fingers.

But compared to everything else his mind was trying to process, the pain was nothing.

“Cheol?” came Joshua’s voice, distant and far-away. “Seungcheol!”

Seungcheol didn’t completely process the fact that Joshua had dragged him to the couch until he snapped his fingers in front of his face a couple of times. He jumped, startled, but his eyes refocused, and his thoughts slowed their frantic running.

He remembered to breathe, to let oxygen into his system in hopes of his restoring some sort of order.

“I’m sorry darling,” apologized Joshua after seeing how Seungcheol jumped. “Are you okay?”

Seungcheol hesitated but nodded.

How he felt couldn’t be answered in a yes or no answer.

“Are you dizzy? Lightheaded in any way?”

“I’m fine Shua,” answered Seungcheol, forcing a small smile.

It wasn’t convincing in the slightest.

Jihoon came rushing in from the kitchen, the small first aid kit in his grasp. The look on his face made Seungcheol’s heart clench. He looked confused, scared, and worried all at once, and Seungcheol couldn’t even imagine the pain the war of emotions was causing him.

“Hyung…” started Jihoon, his eyes focused on the blood dripping down Seungcheol’s arm as he handed the kit to Joshua.

“I’m fine angel,” interrupted Seungcheol. “It’s not that bad, I promise.”

“I’ll be the judge of that,” muttered Joshua, wetting some gauze with hydrogen peroxide. “Listen, love, this is gonna sting, but I need to clean the cut so how about you tell us what happened while I do it?”

Seungcheol nodded, letting Joshua dab at the wound a few times so he could get somewhat used to the feeling before he tried to speak.

“Jeonghan’s worse, a lot worse. The room looks like something out of a horror movie. There are shadows everywhere, even up on the ceiling and coming out of his mouth. He barely moved it was like he was… like he was empty.”

“Did he do this?” asked Jihoon in a whisper, nodding towards the wound that Joshua had begun bandaging.

Seungcheol nodded, his face falling as the reality set in.

“He turned shadows into a knife… Whatever’s happening to him, it’s not… it’s not something I think we know how to fix.”

The three sat in dejected silence as their thoughts ran rampant.

The not eating, the not sleeping - they were serious but solvable. When those were the only problems facing them, there was hope, because they _knew_ how to help. Back then, their biggest obstacle was getting Jeonghan to open up.

But now, they were in unfamiliar territory. They didn’t have the slightest idea as to what was happening, let alone how to help.

And that scared them because not knowing what was going on meant they didn’t know how serious it all was. 

It meant they were lost, all of them.

“That shot has something to do with this,” sighed Joshua, collapsing on the couch beside Seungcheol.

“It was just a flu shot hyung. How can it cause all this?” inquired Jihoon.

“I don’t think it was a flu shot Jihoonie. The process didn’t make sense. No self-respecting doctor would’ve green-lighted giving a patient a shot without checking their records.”

“So? They fucked up. That doesn’t necessarily mean anything Shua,” shrugged Seungcheol.

“No, listen to me,” insisted Joshua. “I thought these were just rumours at first but now they’re starting to make sense. A couple of days ago at work, Miyoung-noona told me about an increased reported number of umbrakinetics with the same symptoms as Hannie: decreased appetite, insomnia, aggressiveness that wasn’t there before, all happening after those examinations. I brushed them off as more bullshit rumours about umbrakinetics but now, I think they may be true.”

“Do we know what the shot was?” asked Seungcheol, his voice almost pleading.

“No,” answered Joshua quietly. “I looked, just to be safe. The government hasn’t posted any details about it and no one else seems to have made any concrete connections.”

“How can we fix it?” asked Jihoon. Joshua didn’t answer, staring at the floor.

“Hyung?”

“I don’t know,” answered Joshua, his voice betraying the frustration and desperation he felt.

“I don’t know angel…”

☾

“Joshua, _please_. I need you to come in just for a couple of hours. I can’t handle this alone.”

There was nothing he could do but tell Miyoung he’d be there as soon as he could.

The pharmacy Joshua worked at was one of the few licensed to sell psychiatric medications. That was one of the reasons their pharmacy received its fair share of traffic.

But every day, more and more umbrakinetics were showing strange symptoms, and people grew nervous. According to what Miyoung described, they were all but raiding the pharmacy, demanding answers and solutions that she simply didn’t have.

And she was right, she couldn’t handle it alone, and no matter how scary things were getting, Joshua wasn’t about to make her try.

“Stay together please,” Joshua told Seungcheol and Jihoon, who were cuddled together on the couch. “And if anything happens, you call me _immediately_, okay?”

The two obeyed Joshua’s orders well. They stayed together in the living room, talking, reading, passing time any way they could. Yes, it was boring, but until they found out exactly what was making Jeonghan act so scarily, they were better safe than sorry.

It was quiet. Nothing was happening.

They hoped it would stay like that until Joshua got back home, hopefully with new information.

But just as Seungcheol was drifting off, his head on Jihoon’s shoulder -

“_Seungcheollie~_ ” Jeonghan called in a sing-song voice. “_Hoonie~_ ”

Seungcheol had missed this. He missed the sound of Jeonghan’s voice back when it wasn’t so empty, so robot-like. He missed it so much that he was ready to get up and wrap his arms around his boyfriend. It felt like centuries since he’d last so much as held his hand.

He just missed him so, _so_ much.

But just as he started to stand, Jihoon pulled him back down with a vice-tight grip on his forearm. He was shaking his head frantically, his eyes filled with apprehension, his body tensed as his body put every last nerve on high alert.

“_Where’d you guys go?_”

That’s when Seungcheol heard it - the eeriness. The emptiness in Jeonghan’s voice was still there, but shrouded behind layers of something else, something that sent icy chills down to his bone marrow.

Whatever Jeonghan wanted from them, the sound of his voice was all the indication they needed that it wasn’t anything good.

For several long seconds, there was nothing but silence, and that was far, _far_ worse. They almost wished that Jeonghan would call for them again. It almost made them want to scream to fill in the dead air._ Anything_ to break the stillness that had them feeling as though they were teetering off the edge of a cliff.

But when they heard a crash come from one of the bedrooms, Jihoon sprung to action, his heart racing and pounding hard against his ribs. He grabbed Seungcheol’s hand, running to the kitchen.

There weren’t many places to hide in an apartment as open as theirs, but as silence threatened to swallow them whole, Jihoon made a mental scan of all their options.

They had only one place they had a chance of hiding in quickly and without making so much as a peep.

So moving as fast as he could, Jihoon opened the door to the cabinet where they stored jar upon jar of kimchi and other various pickled vegetables. He shoved Seungcheol in first, following him before shutting the door as quietly as he could in his frenzied state.

It was uncomfortable being cramped in such a small space, Jihoon all but sitting in Seungcheol’s lap, but when they heard slow footsteps in the living room, they were grateful that they fit at all.

Jihoon took Seungcheol’s hand and interlaced their fingers. As Seungcheol stroked the back of his hand with his thumb, he willed himself to breathe, to believe that it would all be over soon.

“_Come out, come out wherever you are~_ ”

Jeonghan neared the kitchen, and Jihoon clamped a hand over his mouth, closing his eyes and praying that they wouldn’t be found. He felt Seungcheol’s mouth against his hair, placing soft kisses to the back of his head.

_‘Please,’_ mouthed Jihoon. He was squeezing Seungcheol’s hand so hard his knuckles turned white. _‘Please, please, please.’_

Jeonghan’s footsteps came closer and closer until he was standing right in front of the cabinet. He just stopped, standing mere centimetres away from uncovering Seungcheol and Jihoon’s hiding place.

Jihoon held his breath, every single muscle in his body tensed as he prayed for Jeonghan to move.

For the first time in his life, he was praying that his boyfriend, someone he loved more than anyone else, was as far away from him as possible.

There was a thud, and Seungcheol jumped, squeezing Jihoon close to his body as he waited for daylight to flood the almost pitch black cabinet.

But nothing happened.

Curiosity getting the better of him, Seungcheol reached forward as slowly and quietly as he possibly could. An arm tight around Jihoon’s waist, he opened the cabinet door _just_ a crack, enough to see what was happening.

But when his eyes took in the sight before him, his heart immediately clenched so hard it hurt.

Jeonghan lay there, clawing at the ground as his back curved so severely Seungcheol was surprised his spine hadn’t popped right out. His breathing ragged, his eyes screwed shut as he bit back a scream behind grit teeth, he looked like something was stabbing him from the inside out.

Like every inch of his body was being electrocuted.

Shadows swirled around him, snaking around his arms, his neck, his waist, every part of his body they could grab.

Jeonghan coughed, and more shadows flew out of his mouth, pooling on the ground before constricting themselves around his limbs.

They looked like puppet strings, trying to get him to stand back up.

“_STOP!_” he screamed, tears streaking his cheeks. “_PLEASE, I DON’T WANT THIS PLEA- _”

A scream ripped through his throat, a scream that sounded so raw, so desperate that it almost made Seungcheol lurch forward to hold Jeonghan in his arms until the pain stopped.

He would do anything to never hear Jeonghan scream like that again.

But in a second, a blank, emotionless film fell upon Jeonghan’s face. He stood up, roughly wiping the tears from his face.

It was as though nothing had ever happened.

“Where the fuck are they?” growled Jeonghan, and that’s when Seungcheol let the cabinet door shut completely, leaning back into the darkness.

“Hyung, what- ” whispered Jihoon before Seungcheol pressed a couple of fingers to his lips.

“Not now angel, we need to be quiet a little longer,” Seungcheol breathed into Jihoon’s hair, hugging the younger even closer to him.

The two stayed in the cabinet as crash upon crash came from the living room. Their legs started cramping, their throats got dry, but they didn’t so much as budge. They just held onto each other tightly, as though they were each others’ life ring.

As though their tight grasps would save them from drowning in the dark.

By the time Joshua got home, almost four hours had passed.

And when he walked in to find the living room looking as though a hurricane had ripped through it, with Seungcheol and Jihoon nowhere to be seen, he _immediately_ regretted ever leaving the apartment.

Jeonghan was sitting by the window, his face blank as ever. He didn’t seem to notice him come in, and with his brain working as fast as it possibly could amidst the confusion and panic, Joshua decided to act as though nothing was wrong.

“Hi Hannie,” he greeted, doing his best to hide the tremor in his voice.

Jeonghan turned to him but said nothing. Not even his eyebrow did so much as twitch.

“I’m sorry I took so long to get back,” added Joshua, picking up books and readjusting furniture as though this was something that happened every day. As though it were just another part of his daily routine.

“Why did you leave?” asked Jeonghan, and Joshua immediately knew why Seungcheol had been so scared by his voice.

It didn’t even sound human.

“There was an emergency at the pharmacy. Miyoung-noona couldn’t handle it alone so I went to help her,” explained Joshua.

Every last cell in his body was in full panic mode, praying that Jihoon and Seungcheol were okay.

“Mm,” hummed Jeonghan. “Do you know where Jihoon and Seungcheol are?”

It was a small miracle for Joshua. If Jeonghan hadn’t been able to find them, it meant that Jihoon and Seungcheol were safe. It meant that they found _somewhere_ they could escape whatever Jeonghan was trying to do.

“No, my love, I don’t,” started Joshua, “If they’re not at home then they probably just went out somewhere for a little while.”

Something cold coiled around Joshua’s neck, and he didn’t have to look to realize that it was one of Jeonghan’s shadows. His breath stopped in his throat, panic swelling in his chest again before he pushed it down.

He couldn’t afford to panic. If he were to have any chance of coaxing Jeonghan back into the bedroom and finding Jihoon and Seungcheol, he _needed _to stay calm.

“Sweetheart,” started Joshua, feeling his Adam’s apple move against the shadow pressing against his throat. “How about you try and get some sleep, okay? Take a little nap for as long as you can. You need the rest.”

Jeonghan pouted, but his eyes remained empty, piercing through Joshua like a shard of glass.

“You don’t wanna spend time with me?”

It was terrifying, the way Jeonghan’s voice changed in the blink of an eye.

“I do sweetheart,” said Joshua, his heart breaking to pieces in his chest. “I’ve missed you _so_ much my love, but your rest is more important. I promise, come morning I’ll spend the entire day with you, okay?”

Several long, torturous seconds passed, but the shadow _finally_ uncoiled around his neck. Jeonghan stood up without a word, trudging towards the bedrooms.

Joshua continued reorganizing the living room, willing Jeonghan to move faster so that he could figure would where the _hell_ Jihoon and Seungcheol were.

The second the Jeonghan’s back disappeared into the corridor, the second the door clicked shut, Joshua stood up straight looking around like a startled rabbit as his heart raced and threatened to leap out of his throat.

Something tapped his shoulder, and Joshua had to clamp a hand over his mouth to stop him from yelping.

But when he saw the trail of shadows leading to the kitchen, hope filled his chest.

Joshua opened the cabinet door so violently it was a miracle he didn’t rip it off its hinges. When he came face to face with Seungcheol and Jihoon, he let out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding.

Without a word, he kneeled on the ground, carefully freeing the two of what had been their prison for four long, painful hours. He hugged them close to him, tears of pure relief running down his face.

After a couple of moments, Joshua pulled away and placed his hands on Seungcheol and Jihoon’s cheeks.

“Are you okay?” he asked, his voice shaking.

“We’re fine Shua,” answered Seungcheol, kissing the palm of Joshua’s hand. “We’re okay.”

“Hannie didn’t hurt you, did he?”

Jihoon shook his head violently, and Joshua was about to breathe a sigh of relief.

“That’s not hyung…”

The three tried to sleep on the sofa, but with nerves on high alert and thoughts racing without rest, their attempt soon appeared to be futile.

It quickly became clear that no matter how much they wanted it; they wouldn’t sleep that night.

“We need to fix this… Now,” said Joshua, whispering into the dark.

“Why? Shua what the hell is happening?” asked Seungcheol.

“I know why people were raiding the pharmacy today. Some of the umbrakinetics… the shot’s been in their system longer. They just… they just drop dead out of nowhere. If we don’t figure shit out… Hannie’ll die.”

Jihoon stiffened. His face looked as though he’d been shot, the bullet going straight through the muscle of his heart.

The thought of Jeonghan getting severely hurt by whatever was happening to him had crossed his mind several times, but he always pushed it away. It hurt too much to think about it.

But Jeonghan dying?

It was unthinkable, and yet, all too possible.

“What can we do hyung?” he asked, desperation coating every syllable.

“I’m working on that, angel,” sighed Joshua.

No other words were exchanged that night. Sleep was the only relief they had from their fear, but it came in fleeting moments, never lasting long enough.

There was no escaping this.

☾

It was seven in the morning when Joshua sat up, startling Seungcheol, who’s eyelids were finally starting to close.

“I have an idea,” he announced, and those four words immediately made the other two sit up, their eyes wide and hopeful. “I’m gonna go to the study to do some research. I think I know where I can figure out what’s happening.”

That had been almost an hour and a half ago, and just as Seungcheol was getting restless, he heard a _ping_ come from behind one of the cushions.

_‘I’m almost done but I need your help Cheollie,’_ read the text Joshua sent.

Seungcheol held his breath.

Joshua was almost done. They were _so_ close to figuring out what was going on.

They had a chance, no matter how slim, of helping Jeonghan.

“Hey, angel,” started Seungcheol, gently easing Jihoon’s head off his shoulder. “I’m gonna go help Shua with something. If anything happens… scream.”

Jihoon stared at Seungcheol for a few seconds before nodding. His heart was racing as fear made his blood run cold, but he let Seungcheol go, closing his eyes as the elder placed a small kiss on his forehead.

Seungcheol walked into the study to find Joshua crouched over the computer, a messily scrawled page of notes beside him. He’d managed to unearth one of his old college textbooks and had it sitting closed on his lap.

“You look like you’ve been busy,” chuckled Seungcheol, pulling up the second chair and sitting beside Joshua.

Joshua turned to him with a small, tired smile before sitting back and running his hand through his hair.

“I just need you to decrypt this file Cheollie, then we’re done.”

As he scanned the webpage and file name, Seungcheol’s eyes widened in shock.

“Shua this is a government file,” he whispered, stunned.

“I know.”

“It’s _supposed_ to be classified.”

“I know.”

“Shua… This is illegal.”

“I know sweetheart,” sighed Joshua, slightly exasperated. “Believe me I know.”

“How did you even-”

“Cheollie, please. I’ll explain everything later just _please_ decrypt it for me.”

He didn’t argue any further. Seungcheol got straight to work, and Joshua watched on wearing the impressed look he always wore whenever he watched his boyfriend at work. It didn’t take long; in fact, Seungcheol was almost concerned with how easy it was.

But then again, he supposed the government never expected anyone to get as far as Joshua did.

“Done,” he said, letting Joshua take his place back in front of the computer.

“You’re brilliant Cheollie,” praised Joshua, the biggest smile he’d worn in weeks on his lips.

It didn’t last long. As he scanned the document, Joshua’s face fell until he wore an expression of pure horror. Near the end, Joshua gasped, pushing away from the computer like it would reach out to stab him at any moment.

“Shit…” he whispered; his eyes wide.

“What is it?” asked Seungcheol.

“The rumours are true. The shot wasn’t a fucking flu booster. It wasn’t even a fucking drug,” Joshua sounded on the verge of tears. “Cheollie, it was full of Aldecelex. That’s a fucking neurotoxin.”

Seungcheol took Joshua’s face in his hands, pressing their foreheads together. _Neurotoxin._ That explained why Jeonghan had been acting so strangely. And worse yet, it explained why umbrakinetics who took the ‘vaccine’ were dropping dead.

But they couldn’t think about that, not yet.

“Shh,” soothed Seungcheol. “It’s okay sweetheart, it’s okay. We know what it is now, right? So, we can figure out how to cure Hannie. We can do it, baby.”

Joshua didn’t respond. Instead, he pulled away, frantically flipping through the pages of his textbook. He didn’t care that some of the pages were tearing as he turned them, he just wanted to find the section on neurotoxins.

“Just the chemical structure,” muttered Joshua. “That’s all I need _please_.”

It took only a few more moments before Joshua’s face brightened again as he pointed over and over again to a diagram Seungcheol couldn’t understand no matter how hard he tried.

“Citric acid!” he exclaimed. “That’s all we need! We still have some, right?”

“I think so,” replied Seungcheol, a small seed of hope blossoming in his chest. “That’s it? That’s the antidote? Citric acid?”

Joshua nodded, his eyes twinkling for the first time in far too long.

“When it gets digested and absorbed into the blood it reacts with Aldecelex and neutralizes it. All we need to do is find a way to get Hannie to drink a concentrated solution and wait around 20min.”

Seungcheol leaped off his chair, ready to grab Joshua and pepper kiss upon kiss on every inch of his face. He did it, he found a way to get their Jeonghan back. All the terror they’d endured, it was finally coming to an end.

But just as he stood up, he realized that something was very, very wrong.

“Shua,” he said, caution filling his voice. “You’re not manipulating the shadows in any way, are you?”

“No…” answered Joshua with a frown. He mirrored the way Seungcheol’s wide eyes were scanning the room and came to the same heart-stopping conclusion.

There wasn’t a single shadow in the room.

Seungcheol and Joshua turned to face each other, and if they hadn’t been scared before, they were _terrified_ now.

“Jihoon…”

☾

“Hello, angel.”

Jihoon’s chest tightened the second he heard that voice. As though he lost control of his body, he jumped off the couch, and turned around to come face to face with Jeonghan.

He was right behind the couch, and behind him, the biggest cloud of shadows Jihoon had ever seen.

A malice-filled smile lifted his lips upward as Jeonghan stared Jihoon down. It was like he barely recognized the person in front of him, like he didn’t even remember who the person he’d always called his angel was.

A shudder of fear wracked Jihoon’s body, making him instinctively hold onto his arms to stop their shaking.

“Aww,” cooed Jeonghan, cocking his head cruelly to the side. “Is my angel scared? You don’t have to be darling, it’s only Hannie.”

Every word Jeonghan spoke was punctuated by malice, by a mocking tone Jihoon didn’t even know he could produce.

Jihoon immediately decided that he preferred it when Jeonghan seemed more robot than human. At least then he could immediately tell that it _wasn’t_ Jeonghan, it wasn’t his hyung. But this…

Jihoon was having a hard time telling himself that.

“Hyung, I-”

Within less than a second, Jihoon’s back collided with the wall, the back of his head smacking hard against the plaster. He felt shadows pin his arms against the wall, along with another set wrapping around his waist to lift him until his head was a mere 20 centimetres from the ceiling.

But before he could react to anything, a thick group of shadows wrapped themselves around his throat,

and they squeezed until Jihoon couldn’t breathe.

“That’s it, my angel,” cooed Jeonghan, reaching up to stroke Jihoon’s cheek. “Just a little while longer my dear, then the pain will be gone.”

Every muscle in Jihoon’s body was screaming as they were slowly deprived of oxygen. His head grew fuzzy, but he fought to stay awake, even when his lungs burned so badly it almost made him wish for death.

“I love you hyung,” he managed to choke out. “I know you’re in there somewhere. Tell Shua-hyung and Cheollie-hyung that I love them too.”

Jeonghan didn’t respond, not in any way, but Jihoon didn’t care.

He said what he needed to say.

One second, he was fading away, the corners of his vision turning black.

The next, he fell to the ground, chest heaving as he sucked in lungfuls of air.

His throat hurt like hell,

but he was alive.

“Go prepare the solution _now_ Shua!” yelled Seungcheol, making it a point not to give his mind time to process the information. “I can handle this!”

And though doing it made his heart ache, Seungcheol stole shadows from the massive cloud that Jeonghan had made and used them to push his boyfriend down to the floor.

Jeonghan’s screams of frustration made tears well up in his eyes. To know that _he_ was the reason behind his boyfriend screaming like that, it hurt more than anything. But he didn’t stop. He pushed on through the ache in his chest, hoping with every fibre of his being that Joshua’s plan worked.

“Are you okay? Angel?”

Joshua crouched down beside Jihoon on his way to the kitchen. He knew time was of the essence, but he couldn’t leave his boyfriend coughing on the floor like that without checking on him.

“I’m fine,” croaked Jihoon, pushing at Joshua when his face fell at the sound of his voice and the sight bruises that marked his neck. “I said I’m fine hyung, now _go_. I’ll help Cheol-hyung.”

Seungcheol was shaking. He managed to get Jeonghan flat on the ground, laying on his back. Straddling his waist as gently as he possibly could, he held his arms down while fighting off Jeonghan’s shadows one by one.

It was so taxing that his muscles felt as though they were going to tear in half at any moment. But every now and again, the Jeonghan he knew, the Jeonghan he loved so dearly came in a quick flash before anger and hatred polluted his features again.

No matter how hard it was, he couldn’t stop. Not when they were so, _so _close.

“Is he okay?” Seungcheol heard Jihoon ask. He looked up to find the younger kneeling by Jeonghan’s head, struggling to process everything.

“He will be angel,” he replied. “We just need to keep him still until he digests the antidote.”

“Antidote?”

“It’s what Shua’s preparing right now.” Jihoon opened his mouth to ask more questions, a flash of hope crossing his face, but Seungcheol interrupted him. “Jihoonie I need you to hold onto Hannie’s head. You’ll need to make sure he keeps his mouth open and swallows the antidote without choking. Can you do that for me?”

Jihoon nodded, shuffling his legs forward so that he had his Jeonghan’s head on his lap. He couldn’t stop himself from running his fingers through his boyfriend’s hair, repeating gentle reassurances under his breath.

His words may have been drowned out by the sound of Jeonghan’s screams and shrieks, but he wanted to believe that _somewhere_ in there, his hyung could hear him.

It took a long, long time until Jihoon could keep Jeonghan’s mouth open wide and long enough for Joshua to pour the citric acid solution down his throat. The second he took the cup away, Jihoon clamped his hands hard over Jeonghan’s lips as he coughed and clawed at all three of them.

He was trying to spit the antidote out, that much was obvious.

But Jihoon wouldn’t let him.

“C’mon Hannie-hyung,” muttered Jihoon, “I know you’re in there just swallow _please_.”

When Jeonghan swallowed, Jihoon finally let the hope enter his heart. He finally let himself believe, even if only a little, that they were 20 minutes away from waking up from their nightmare.

It wasn’t the physical exertion of having to keep Jeonghan pinned down that made it all so difficult. Though every muscle in Seungcheol’s body felt like they were going to give out, though Joshua’s head throbbed as he tried to keep the shadows at bay, and though Jihoon could barely keep Jeonghan’s head cushioned on his thighs, all of that was nothing compared to the sound of his screams.

Raw, agonized screams ripped through Jeonghan’s throat with so much force they made his back arch off the floor before slamming back down _hard_ when he paused to take a breath. They hadn’t expected the process to be _this_ painful for Jeonghan, and could only hope that each passing minute would go by faster than the last.

“It’s okay hyung,” whispered Jihoon, his face inches away from Jeonghan’s as he stroked his hair. He tried his best to hold back his tears, but nonetheless, a few salty droplets fell onto Jeonghan’s skin, “It’s okay. I know it hurts but we just need you to come back, _please_. Just hold on a little longer and it’ll be okay.”

They stayed like that for the longest 20 minutes of their lives. Jihoon stroked Jeonghan’s hair and cheeks, croaking out reassurances every 30 seconds as though he were counting. Seungcheol, despite his tight grip, massaged Jeonghan’s wrists, ignoring the way his hands felt like they were seizing up. And every time Jeonghan’s back threatened to slam down against the floor, Joshua sent out a small stream of shadows to cushion the blow.

It was exhausting, both physically and mentally, but there was no way in the pits of hell that they were going to stop. Not when they were so close.

The last 15 seconds were the hardest part. In those final few seconds, they came dangerously close to breaking, dangerously close to giving up just to make it all stop.

Jeonghan let out a scream far louder, far greater, far longer than before. One that made it sound like his vocal cords were snapping one by one. He arched his back so far it didn’t seem anatomically possible, it didn’t seem human. Joshua barely sent out his shadows in time for them to stop Jeonghan’s back slamming against the floor.

One second too late, and Jeonghan would have hurt his spine, potentially irreparably. It was a sight that would be burned into Joshua’s mind for as long as he lived.

Jeonghan stilled, and for a split second, they all assumed the worst.

His eyes were open, staring up at Jihoon as his chest heaved up and down. He was panting as though he hadn’t breathed for centuries, but Jihoon didn’t see that.

He didn’t see Jeonghan’s breathing, nor the way his muscles _finally_ seemed to relax, nor how the shadows returned to their places on the walls and floor.

All he could see were Jeonghan’s eyes; eyes he knew better than the back of his own hand.

And when he saw Jeonghan’s eyes staring up at him with the same light he missed so much, he knew he was okay.

He knew it was over.

“Jihoonie?” breathed Jeonghan, his voice small and trembling.

Jihoon couldn’t respond no matter how badly he wanted to. He just smiled, a continuous river of tears falling from his eyes and drenching his cheeks and chin. Holding Jeonghan’s cheeks in his hands as though he were a precious diamond, he let himself cry, his chin falling to his chest as he sobbed in pure relief.

Jeonghan’s confusion didn’t last long. It took only a couple of seconds for his memories to catch up with him, and he immediately felt like he had been stabbed in the chest.

His boyfriends had all been through so much pain – both physical and mental.

He remembered Seungcheol looking at him with nothing but fear and hurt in his eyes.

He remembered Joshua looking beyond beaten down by exhaustion.

He remembered looking coldly at Jihoon as he literally squeezed the life out of him.

The cause of their pain… was him.

And that was a truth that made hot tears of shame and horror fill Jeonghan’s eyes until his world became lost in a blur.

He felt himself being pressed against a chest as he sobbed. He felt fingers running up and down every inch of his body as his body wracked with the reality of what he had done.

“It’s okay, it’s okay Hannie.”

As Jeonghan cried harder than he ever had before, he found it harder and harder to really believe that everything was okay.

Because after all that had happened, after all he’d done,

he wasn’t so sure things would _ever_ be okay again.

☾

It wasn’t over all at once. It took a long, long time.

It started with making sure _no one _would ever have to go through what the four of them endured ever again. And so, even though Jeonghan had calmed down, had eaten a small meal, and was fast asleep with Seungcheol and Jihoon by his side, Joshua refused to rest just yet.

There was still one thing he needed to do.

It took him two hours to write everything up and figure out how to send it, but Joshua filed an anonymous report to the World Health Organization. He explained everything – the symptoms, the progression, the antidote, everything he could remember – all in astounding detail.

His anger took over as he concluded the report, making him mention how he hoped the issue would be taken seriously. He wanted every single individual involved to pay for what they’d done, to pay for killing dozens of umbrakinetics for their own selfish gain.

To pay for almost ripping someone he loved more than words could describe away from him.

It didn’t take long for the WHO to take action. Government officials were jailed, and antidotes were administered to every umbrakinetic who reported to medical labs in response to the government’s ordered.

But after Joshua sent the report, he didn’t so much as think about it anymore.

He had bigger worries on his plate.

Guilt was eating Jeonghan up right before their eyes. Nightmares haunted his sleep, even when one of them was right there in his arms, right there to assure him that he was okay.

Nothing he did made them go away.

Jeonghan fussed over Seungcheol’s wound, insisting on cleaning and bandaging it every single day until not so much as a scar remained. Seungcheol knew that it wasn’t worth the fuss, that it had never been anything close to a serious injury, but he let Jeonghan tend to it as he wished.

Because he knew that it was one of the steps his boyfriend felt he had to take until he could forgive himself.

One day Jeonghan offered to pay Joshua back for all the days he took off work because of him, a look of shame on his face. That earned him a stern lecture and a long, soft kiss before Joshua told him _never_ to feel like he owed them anything after what had happened.

And Jihoon… Jeonghan knew trying to make things right with Jihoon would be the hardest part. He knew he needed to talk to him, but every time he tried, he’d see the momentary flash of fear in Jihoon’s eyes. His eyes would then fall on the bruises the shadows _he_ controlled left across Jihoon’s neck, and they would immediately well up with tears.

Every time he tried, it ended with him sobbing into Jihoon’s shoulder, repeating one phrase with a trembling voice:

“I’m so, so, so sorry angel, I love you so much.”

One night, Seungcheol woke up in the middle of the night absolutely parched. But just as he sat up, he noticed that Jeonghan wasn’t lying between Jihoon and Joshua as he had been. He frowned into the night and walked towards the living area with no sign of the grogginess he felt when he first woke up.

Seungcheol found Jeonghan sitting at the kitchen table. His head was in his hands as he bit his lip. He must have been doing that for a while because small beads of blood were seeping out from the cracks in his lips.

“Hey,” started Seungcheol, patting the back of Jeonghan’s head as he sat beside him. “Stop that. You’re gonna get hurt.”

Seungcheol was half hoping to get some sort of teasing comment out of Jeonghan. He wanted to hear him comment on how hypocritical he was being: after all, Seungcheol _was_ the serial lip biter of the house.

But Jeonghan didn’t say anything. He stopped biting his lip and sat back, but Seungcheol could tell he was still as miserable as he had been before. His eyes were red and swollen – there was no hiding the fact that he’d been crying.

“I don’t know what to do Cheollie,” he whispered. “I don’t know how to feel like I’m not a danger to all of you… especially Jihoonie…”

“Sweetheart,” started Seungcheol, taking Jeonghan’s hand in his own. “You’re not a dan–”

“_Don’t_, Seungcheol. Please, don’t. I sliced your arm open and I didn’t even flinch. Home was the only place Joshua _ever_ felt like he could really relax and I made it _hell_ for him. I choked Jihoon so badly he couldn’t talk for a week and he still has the bruises. If you and Shua were two seconds too late, he would be dead. Seungcheol, I was killing our boyfriend and all I remember feeling was fulfillment. Don’t tell me I’m not a danger Cheol because after all the shit I did I can’t believe that.”

Seungcheol only smiled back at Jeonghan, rubbing his thumb over his knuckles as he spoke.

“Jeonghan, I saw you crouched on the floor clawing and screaming at yourself because you were terrified. Because you didn’t want to do _any_ of that. It wasn’t you, none of it was. In fact, you were fighting it every second even though it hurt _so_ bad just because you love us so much. You’re not a danger to anyone, and not one of us thinks of you as one.”

“But Hoonie,” started Jeonghan, tears welling up in his eyes again. “I can see it in his eyes, he’s terrified of me and I… I _hate_ that.”

“He just needs some time to recover, okay?” soothed Seungcheol, wiping the falling tears from Jeonghan’s cheeks. “It doesn’t mean he loves you any less than he did before all this. He’s always gonna be your angel. And as long as you keep reminding him that you love him back, he’ll be okay. It’ll need time baby, but we’ll be okay.”

Jeonghan let Seungcheol wipe away his tears and pepper his face with kisses until he cracked a smile again. He followed Seungcheol into the kitchen and obediently drank the glass of water he gave him. A big part of him wanted to sit back in the kitchen chair and drown in his despair, that part of him felt like he deserved to after what he had done. But he ignored it.

For the first time since he came back, he ignored it.

When he was back in bed, Joshua snuggled up against his back and Jihoon breathing softly against his collarbone, Jeonghan sighed.

The warmth was beautiful, it made him feel safe, grounded, like he was a bumblebee asleep in the comfort of a sweet flower.

To his surprise, it even made him smile.

That night, he slept, but he didn’t dream.

No nightmares, no waking up in a cold sweat,

just warmth.

☾

Just when he thought he was getting better, Jeonghan spent another night staring at the ceiling. Frustration filled him to the brim: just a few nights ago he was able to sleep well, why couldn’t he tonight?

“Still awake Hannie?” asked Joshua in a whisper after what seemed like Jeonghan’s hundredth exasperated sigh. He propped himself up on one elbow as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes with the other.

“Yeah,” replied Jeonghan. “Go back to sleep Shua, I’m sorry I woke you.”

Joshua shook his head and slowly climbed out of bed so as to not wake the soundly sleeping Seungcheol and Jihoon. He extended a hand towards him, and though he was confused, Jeonghan took it, following Joshua into the living room.

“You wanna watch ‘My Neighbour Totoro’ with me?” asked Joshua. “I know it calms you down, so I thought it’d help.”

Jeonghan couldn’t help but smile, pulling Joshua in for a quick hug.

“You’re adorable Shua,” he whispered, making Joshua flush a bright pink.

Not ten minutes into the movie, Jeonghan felt something snuggle into his side. He looked down to find a sleepy Jihoon resting against him, wrapping his arms around his waist without a single word.

“Did we wake you guys?” asked Joshua, softly patting Seungcheol’s hair.

“How dare you watch Ghibli movies without us,” grumbled Seungcheol before resting his head atop Joshua’s, intertwining their fingers together.

A part of Jeonghan was surprised, to say the least. Though Seungcheol’s words had consoled him, he still thought that Jihoon was a little scared of him. But here he was, resting against Jeonghan just like he used to.

Jihoon didn’t say anything when Jeonghan lifted him up into his lap with his head resting right under his chin. He just looked up with a small, sleepy smile, and gave Jeonghan a quick, gentle kiss before melting into his chest like a satisfied cat.

_“Everybody, try laughing. Then whatever scares you will go away!”_

Jeonghan usually smiled at that part in the movie, but this time, he couldn’t help but laugh softly. It was as though he was hoping to laugh his fears and worries away, even if only for the night.

In an instant, the other three jumped all over him, pinching his cheeks and tickling his sides.

“Awww our Hannie’s such a cutie!” they cooed, looks of endearment lighting up their faces.

It all made Jeonghan laugh even more until the sound echoed off the walls and seemed to cleanse the apartment from all the heaviness that had been haunting it, waiting for a sensitive mind to prey on.

“I love you guys so much,” whispered Jeonghan once the three completed their cooing.

“We love you too sweetheart.”

Jeonghan couldn’t stop smiling even if he wanted to.

By the time the ending credits rolled to completion, Joshua and Seungcheol were fast asleep, their hands still intertwined. Jeonghan himself was _finally_ starting to drift off when he felt Jihoon playing with his fingers.

“Angel?” he asked, his hand engulfing Jihoon’s.

“You know how you’ve always called me that, hyung?” asked Jihoon, making himself comfortable in Jeonghan’s lap. “You remember how even Cheol-hyung and Shua-hyung started calling me that because of you?”

“Yeah,” smiled Jeonghan. The memory made warmth bloom across his chest. “I remember how we all agreed that you were our lovely angel. It was on your birthday, right?”

“Yeah, well… I think you’re the real angel.”

Jeonghan’s smile only widened as he hugged Jihoon even closer and pressed kisses to his scalp through his hair.

It was then that Jeonghan realized that even though it would take a long time for him to fully heal, he could do it.

As long as Seungcheol was there to help him feel protected with the warmth he exuded,

as long as Joshua was there to make him laugh and smile with his cute, endearing gestures,

and as long as his angel was there to remind him that not only was he loved, he was still capable of loving with all his heart,

he could do anything.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed reading this fic as much as I enjoyed writing it!! [♡](https://twitter.com/ghiblisbox)


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